During our third summer at a charming lake-side camp in Maine, I cheered on my daughter as she swam towards a float 100 yards offshore. Passing a swim test was necessary for children to enjoy activities like waterskiing or sailing at the camp, and my seven-year-old daughter was determined to succeed.
However, as she struggled during the test, it was clear that something was amiss. Feeling defeated, she held onto the lifeguard as they made their way back to shore, tears in her eyes.
Reflecting on this experience and past ones, I realized that my methods of support and encouragement were not always effective. While wanting to instill a growth mindset in my children, I understood the importance of learning how to do so successfully.
This wasn’t the first time I’d tried to encourage one of my daughters, only to have it backfire.
Upon reading Carol Dweck’s book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success,” I set out to cultivate a growth mindset in my children. Despite my efforts, I still had much to learn about fostering this mindset.
But clearly, what I was saying wasn’t working. And I had no idea why or how to fix it.
Research indicates that parents’ attitudes towards failure play a significant role in shaping their children’s views on intelligence. Parents who view failure positively tend to promote a growth mindset in their kids, while those who perceive failure as debilitating may hinder their children’s progress.
Consider your own failures, first
Studies stress the importance of parents exhibiting a growth mindset to encourage the same mentality in their children. Believing in the power of learning from mistakes and turning failures into opportunities is crucial for fostering resilience.
It is essential for parents to model resilience and a growth mindset for their children by sharing their own experiences of failure and how they learned from them. By showing children that failure is a normal part of the learning process and can lead to growth and improvement, parents can help instill a positive attitude towards setbacks.
Encouraging children to reflect on their mistakes, identify what went wrong, and come up with strategies for improvement can help them develop problem-solving skills and a resilient mindset. By praising their efforts and persistence rather than just their achievements, parents can help build their children’s confidence and motivation to keep trying in the face of challenges.
Listen, empathize, then focus on opportunities to learn, not abilities
When children encounter failure, parents should focus on the lessons that can be learned rather than just on abilities. Encouraging children to reflect on their experiences and find ways to improve is key to promoting a growth mindset.
- “What did you learn from the math quiz?”
- “Is there anything you could do to improve your chances for next time?”
- “What do you think you could do to increase sales next time?”
Dial down the praise
Praising children for their efforts and experiences, rather than their abilities, can foster intrinsic motivation. By emphasizing the process over the outcome, parents can instill a positive attitude towards challenges.
In most cases, don’t shelter kids from failure and disappointment
While shielding children from failure may offer temporary comfort, it deprives them of essential learning opportunities. Allowing children to face obstacles head-on and learn from setbacks prepares them for future success.
Failure can teach children resilience, problem-solving skills, and the importance of perseverance. By experiencing failure at a young age, kids can develop a growth mindset and learn that setbacks are not permanent.
Disappointment is also a natural part of life, and shielding children from it can prevent them from developing coping mechanisms. Teaching children how to deal with disappointment in a healthy way can help them navigate through life’s ups and downs with grace and resilience.
Ultimately, it is important for parents and caregivers to support children through failure and disappointment, rather than shield them from these experiences. By allowing children to face challenges and learn from their mistakes, we can help them grow into resilient and successful individuals.
But don’t push kids into deliberate failures
Balancing challenges with realistic expectations is crucial in preventing frustration and maintaining children’s self-esteem. Avoiding extreme challenges while providing opportunities for growth is key to building resilience.
It is important for parents and educators to understand the individual capabilities and limits of each child. Pushing children too hard can lead to feelings of inadequacy and failure, which can have long-lasting effects on their self-esteem and confidence. Instead, it is important to provide challenges that are achievable yet still require effort and growth.
By finding the right balance between challenge and support, we can help children develop the skills they need to overcome obstacles and build resilience for the future.
Learning from my mistakes
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Despite initial setbacks, my daughter’s determination and growing resilience led her to pass the swim test the following year. By adjusting my approach to failure and emphasizing the lessons learned, I witnessed her thriving and achieving her goals.
Perhaps she had matured over the year or overcome her fears of the test from before. This was not the only instance where she appeared more confident and less fearful of failure in the past year.
While I can’t solely take credit for her success, I believe that my words and actions have played a role in pushing her towards a more confident self and a reduced fear of failure.
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It’s important to remember that failure is a natural part of the learning process. Embracing failure as an opportunity to grow and improve is essential for personal development. By learning from our mistakes, we can become stronger and more resilient individuals.
About Kerry Flatley
Hello! I’m Kerry, a mother of two girls and a certified parent educator. I believe that parents can maintain a supportive, loving relationship with their children while raising them to be independent and self-sufficient. Over the years, I have applied various ideas from books and articles to achieve this goal with my own children. Learn more about me and Self-Sufficient Kids here.
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A friend recently shared a photo of her six-year-old son on the winners’ dais at his athletics carnival. To my surprise, the young boy informed me that he didn’t win anything. All the kids had their photo taken on the podium, making everyone feel like a winner. None of them experienced what it truly means to lose.
This scenario often sparks debates among parents, teachers, and psychologists, leading to two distinct camps:
- “Harden up and get on with it.” – This group believes that facing failures toughens individuals regardless of circumstances.
- “The longer we spare kids from the negative experience of failing, the better.” – This faction argues that negative experiences can lead to low self-esteem and resistance to trying new things.
With little middle ground in this debate, there are many sweeping generalizations made.
Teaching children that failure is not a bottomless pit but a natural part of life could help in coping with setbacks. The fear of failure has been overly demonized, leading to anxiety and resistance to new challenges, even among gifted children.
Learning how to navigate failure is a valuable skill that is often overlooked in education and life. Parents’ typical responses of dismissing failures or rushing to rescue their children may not be the most beneficial. Supporting and teaching are more effective methods of addressing failure.
But where to start?
Teaching children that failures vary in size, severity, and consequences can help them understand and learn from these experiences. Providing opportunities for children to identify their strengths and weaknesses is essential in their growth and development.
Success and failure should be viewed as learning experiences, especially in high-stakes situations like academia. The lessons learned from these experiences are more valuable in the long run.
Who’s most at risk?
Resilience issues can arise unexpectedly in high-achieving individuals, particularly high-achieving girls. Teaching them to analyze failures and commit to overcoming setbacks is crucial.
So, how do we build courageous kids and encourage learning success?
1. Normalize failure and avoid fearing it. Viewing failure as part of life’s journey helps in accepting and learning from mistakes.
2. Empower children to take responsibility for their successes and failures, without placing blame or making excuses.
3. Teach kids to analyze failures objectively. Understanding the size, severity, and consequences of failures allows for better learning and growth.
We all need to experience success and failure with equal measures of resilience and grace.
Fear of failure is a common issue that many children face. It can prevent them from trying new things, taking risks, and challenging themselves. As a parent, there are several ways you can help your child overcome their fear of failure:
1. Encourage a growth mindset: Teach your child that mistakes are a natural part of learning and growth. Encourage them to see challenges as opportunities to learn and improve.
2. Set realistic expectations: Help your child set realistic goals and expectations for themselves. Avoid putting too much pressure on them to be perfect or always succeed.
3. Praise effort, not just results: Focus on praising your child’s effort and hard work, rather than just their successes. This will help them understand that putting in effort is important, regardless of the outcome.
4. Be a role model: Show your child that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you can learn from them. By demonstrating resilience and perseverance in the face of failure, you can teach your child to do the same.
5. Provide support and encouragement: Offer your child support and encouragement when they face challenges or setbacks. Let them know that you believe in their ability to overcome obstacles and succeed.
By following these tips and providing a supportive environment, you can help your child build resilience and confidence in the face of failure. Remember, failure is a natural part of life, and learning how to cope with it is an important skill for future success.
Why Highly Sensitives Tend to Fear Failure
Highly sensitive children often possess perfectionistic tendencies. How can parents assist these children in overcoming their fear of failure?
Why Perfectionism is Such a Problem
While a desire for perfection may seem ideal, it can also be limiting and frustrating. Avoiding the trap of feeling ‘not good enough’ is a challenging yet essential lesson to learn.
This concept is evident in my eldest son, who strives for perfection but may not always achieve what is required.
What Fear of Failure Does to a Child
Fear of failure is a common emotional response in highly sensitive children. The fear can be debilitating, hindering them from starting tasks, causing delays, leading to emotional breakdowns, promoting avoidance, and inducing anxiety and physical symptoms.
How Can You Help?
To help children overcome the fear of failure, parents can:
- Show how to enjoy activities without the pressure of perfection and embrace mistakes.
- Encourage creative activities like “Wreck This Journal”.
- Turn mistakes into learning opportunities.
- Teach that everyone makes mistakes and share personal examples.
- Share stories of failures, resilience, and eventual success.
- Get teachers involved in activities focused on overcoming mistakes.
- Set achievable goals and break them down into smaller steps.
- Praise effort and progress, not just final results.
- Use positive affirmations.
- Explore past associations causing fear of failure.
- Avoid constant comparisons with peers.
- Avoid modeling perfectionism and emphasize excellence over perfection.
Over to You
Recognizing signs of perfectionism in your child and addressing the fear of failure can lead to a healthier attitude towards mistakes. How do you promote resilience and a positive outlook on failure at home?